Realist vs. Dreamer

All my life I have always felt that I have been a realistic person but to be contradictory I also see myself as a dreamer. I see things in black and white, and situations no matter how ugly or pretty they are, just are. I am the type of person that always hopes for the best but isn't surprised if things don't turn out that way. I often times find myself wishing for life to be perfect and amazing everyday. I mean is it really that wrong for me to want that? Regardless, I definitely think it is achievable but I just haven't quite figured out how yet. I mean what is really keeping us from being happy all the time? you control your emotions, you allow people to make you feel a certain way, you allow certain situations to affect you a certain way. So in turn, do you not control your own happiness? I don't care to speculate on situations in life or people...instead I just ask. That leaves no room for error or confusion because I get it straight from the source.

I have recently been evaluating a lot of the relationships in my life. Maybe it's the big 30 approaching that really has me thinking, why can't I be happy all the time? I am happy a lot but I am looking for a figure more like 90/10 instead of 70/30 (give or take).

I tend to always look for the best in people and when they show me their worst I accept it, forgive, and move on. I don't like to dwell on things. But I now realize what I really do is bury the unintentional resentment deep and when it rears it's ugly head much later down the road, it's well...really ugly. Or I tend to just ignore the person for a while, which has happened here lately, because I feel too hurt to give them the satisfaction of even explaining to them how I feel, and eventually I brush it under the rug again, and they are never the wiser. I wish I could tell people how I really feel, but I am the type of person who would rather be hurt than to ever hurt anyones feelings. I tend to let people walk all over me and take me for granted while secretly being hurt, and all the while putting on a big smile. I have in my own mind created these ideals that I expect other people to live up to, and that is just not realistic. But it also isn't fair for me to be getting the short end of the stick. I only expect from relationships what I in turn can reciprocate.

I saw a quote today that went something like, "just because someone doesn't love you the way you Want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you, it means they are loving you the only way they know how." so maybe that's just it, maybe I need to just take certain relationships as they are. They don't have to be perfect or live up to the image that I have created in my own mind, they just have to...well...just be.